One person's experience

Jodie, a woman in her mid-40s, had been married to Bruce for over 18 years. They had raised three children together, the youngest of which still lived with them while completing a university degree. Jodie shared with her psychologist something she had not felt able to share with anyone before: “I don’t know what to do. To the outside world, Bruce and I look like we’re happily married – we socialise together, we treat each other well, even at home we barely argue. And we’ve certainly been through a lot together – two miscarriages, a business together, mental illness on my mother’s side, Bruce’s health scare, and my mother’s recent passing. It’s just…not the same. When it’s just the two of us alone, we don’t seem to have much to say to each other. It’s not that we don’t care about each other – at least I don’t think so. As cliché as it is to say, I sometimes wonder whether we have fallen out of love. And then I find myself thinking back and wondering, when did this happen? I think it’s been a very slow change, and neither of us have paid much attention to it until now. Would our marriage have worked this long if we didn’t have children to care for and keep us so busy, I wonder? I look at us now and wonder what we have in common…what we ever had in common. We’re too young to be that couple – the couple at the restaurant with nothing to say to each other. What do we do?”

In therapy, Jodie talked about what has sustained her marriage for so long, and what she had liked about Bruce when they first met. They also talked about her past relationship experiences, and difficulties in their marriage. During that work together, Bruce also joined Jodie in therapy on two occasions to share his perspective and also hear Jodie’s. Therapy continued as Jodie processed her marital problems, and she particularly benefited from activities her therapist put her onto that encouraged her to define what she wanted and needed, both as an individual and in her relationship with Bruce. As she met her therapist for the last time, she shared, “I feel like this is something I should have done a long time ago.  Thank you for helping me to understand what had changed with Bruce, and at least now I have a better understanding of what our marriage needs in order to work. For now it is ‘working’, and as long as Bruce and I can continue to be open to the things we’ve talked about in here, I hope that it can go from ‘just working’ to actually being a source of real joy and support for us both again. I guess the rest is up to us.”

 

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